Real work

Today it happened again. It felt like this might have been the beginning of last years crash. That tiny feeling of not being good enough. It came from a percieved dip in productivity in my work today. I am not programming now, not doing something tangible (as much as code is tangible), but rather researching on some topics. These topics are important for us as a team. In my eyes, though, these tasks seem minor, inferior to the work that others on my team are doing. Real work.

I know it's unfair to think like this. That's clear to me. What's opaque as fuck to me is how I go from feeling this slight sense of not being good enough to something that can bring down my day and my gf's day with it. That, and where the fuck does this come from. So far, on my journey to understand myself, my relation to work has never been much of a focus. Maybe this has been a blind-spot all along. Because work directlyinfluences how I see myself and how I see the world.

mindmap
  root((Work))
    Social Value
      Place to meet people
      Place to talk
      Make friends?
      Connect to coworkers
    Home Office
      Lonelinless
      Disconnection from coworkers
    Influences 
      Self-esteem
      Perception of the world
      Value of other people 
    Real work
      Programming
      Producing a tangible outcome
    Not Real Work
      Research
      Open-ended work